“Clean up on aisle 2021!”
I’m gonna say a lot of... potentially hard shit in this blog. Not to make noise, to make sense. Because what else is there left to do in 2021 but make sense out of whatever the heck the last year was. And the three others before that. The last 20. The last 200. You get the picture. A glorious Bob Ross of a picturesque, fertile, muddy mess, with a happy little dumpster fire here, and just a sprinkle of traumatic experience everywhere over there. A muddy mess of which we actually already have all of the right tools to build ourselves a strong foundation of real support. You know, support that we have to drop brick, by carefully dropped brick, into the mud, while pumping through the system that which would wash us away, all the while sifting through the sediment to sort what nutrients remain after such a chaotic, primordial, muddy snow globe shake up.
“Yaaaay sounds glorious! I’m fucking exhausted.”
Yes you are. I am. People not reading this are. We all are (because I highly doubt any 1%ers are reading my blog, and if you happen to be one, my CashApp is located here). I’m going to do my best to illuminate a subject I’ve been pondering for a good long time, and pray that at this point I’ve taken in enough brain nutrients to pop a kernel of Truth out through my nuance in language. You see, I speak metaphor as language because I receive language of metaphor. I’m an artist first and foremost, my brain is going to work a bit different than say, a neurobiologist. But the kernel of Truth we both spend our time studying from the inner workings out, is the same. That kernel being, consciousness.
There’s (I’m going to put this gently) a lot of problems out in the world today (pause for a good, releasing rage-laugh). At this point every human on the planet has a different set of circumstances that range from inconvenience to trauma to death, roughly one year into this pandemic, turned pandem-o-volution, as I’ve been calling it. If you’re in the U.S. and reading this, there’s a really good chance you’re a human that saw this arriving last March and went, FUUUUUCK. Our country was not set up in a constructive, resonant way going into this. We were fucked to begin with. I don’t know where you are, specific reader, with your own set of circumstances, hardships, struggles, accomplishments, discoveries, etc. But I imagine at some point you’ve had to face a lot of realities about what is, versus what you’d ideally want. Heck, every single day for you might have been an exercise about figuring out which next uninvited fire to put out around your life, and you know what...that’s ok, it’s a fucking pandem-o-volution.
I started using that term last summer, when the United States was literally on fire. It’s unbelievable right? All the things that happened within the span of one year. Just think of all the things that happened in your individual life, let alone the outside world. For many of us, disbelief can set in that we actually went through that, and accomplished coming out (so far) on the other side (a moment of blessings to those not with us anymore). There’s an awe that we can get lost in remembering how hard something was, how frustrating, how anger inducing, how it almost broke us. We should probably stop talking about it at this point because we might start to dive together into retriggering. And that is what we do not want, if we’re going to keep our resiliency about us in this giant muddy mess of America that we are trying to function in.
“So what’s this blog about Deanna? Clever title, but you’re just posturing.”
Friend, this blog is about Truth. With the Capital T. (See what I did there?) We all have our individual truths, and it’s the individuality of truth that can get us humankind into some stuck situations with each other. We can do our best to sit with what may be painful for us, trying to find the right words to explain how harmful something is to a person who has harmed us, but they just might not “get it.” Because the most of what is harming us, is the system itself, in all its myriad of twisted, complicated ways. Sometimes it’s hard to even comprehend the whole system when we’re busy just trying to be a healthy working cog in one part of it, trying not to be gobbled up by the very same system. Depending on where our own little cog is located (aka, our individual life experiences), there may be many more turns, and corners and layers of systems to make our way through before we’d be able to fully grasp the enormity of what’s actually going on around us. Sometimes we get past a turn and see an entire new hallway of gears to make our way through, and we decide to just sit down and rest for a minute, and end up staying because we just get used to making due with our resting point.
But if we’re all in the system, then, isn’t the kernel of Truth that...somebody else had to make the system? We’re running it, but somebody else made it, and we’re exhausted in it, and we still have to get through it, in order to understand how it works to then upgrade it? Good lort no wonder this is taking forever!
What if we were granted a shortcut? What if we had a tool to help us get through this in a smoother, less harmful fashion? We’re covered in mud and sediment of yesterday’s trash and trying to worm our way through the bowels of “the system” toward some mystical spacetime that is of resonant and bountiful beauty, grace, joy & Light… “Hell yeah Deanna, give me that shortcut!”
Well friends, the shortcut is actually the longcut, because when you’re stuck inside a system you didn’t build, the only way through is through. But we can choose to wash ourselves and each other in the tears of our grief & sorrow, save what comes off that’s good for the journey, compost the rest, and keep helping each other through together. Let’s also think for a moment, before we stop metaphoring and start translating this into “why the heck is this blog supposed to be good for me,” what happens when we add Fire to a heated, muddy gunked up system? Things that were already hardening get harder. Gross hard shit butts up against other gross hard shit, it connects together and ends up forming blocks of hard shit in the system we all have to function in. Now, we could choose to ignore those blocks and do our own thing, but at some point, those blocks are gonna be in everybody’s way behind us. And the system ends up more gunked up day after day because we only stopped to apply the “clean as you go” thing to our restaurant jobs.
I think y’all are probably starting to recognize the makeup of this metaphor I’m spitting. It’s why this blog started off in humor. And also acceptance. Humor often helps us process the hardest shit in life (shout out to any fellow Murderinos out there). Have we ever stopped to process why humor does that, other than feeling good to our funny bone? Laughing gives us a moment to take in deeper breath. Laughing gives us a pause to suspend our disbelief of a horrible situation long enough to just accept what chaotic, paradoxical nonsense just is, without trying to change it, or judge it. Laughter is golden. That pause of breath and sense of Divine Presence suspended in spacetime is fucking golden. When we really belly laugh, we feel alive don’t we? What if I told you… laughing is in a way, mindfulness meditation?
“Deanna, you’re nutty, laughing is not meditation. Are you sure you’re enrolled in a quality program?”
Stay with me dear friends, metaphors (also, I am a helluva tease after all).
Mindfulness meditation is the practice of letting go, allowing, and returning to our present self moment, after moment, after moment, after moment. In that moment of laughter, we return to ourselves. Take a moment right now, and think back to your last year...was there any moment that you can recall where you ended up in rage-laughter? You know...that laugh that’s past frustration, past anger, past even disbelief because you know what you are laughing at is actually really true. I was living at near daily rage-laughter from about the first presidential debate up until after the inauguration. Laughing beyond my disbelief, right back into acceptance and unhinged belief.
Here’s the thing though...if that’s ever happened to you, you’ve healed yourself, at least a little bit, in that moment because you chose a pause and breathe for acceptance. You converted your disbelief into belief and allowed that breath to pass through you and shake that Fire in you loose into the compost of your gut, and a nice hearty steam release through your mouth. Here’s the other thing, you made Divine Truth happen too. Divine Truth is not human made truth. Laws are a human construct. Language is a human construct. Gender is a human construct. Religion is definitely a human construct. And that’s why the antonym to truth is not “lie”...it’s belief…
Let’s take a step back in a minute to our muddy cog system metaphor. Oftentimes our laughter, rage or otherwise, can kick loose some stuck emotions and allow our tears (happy or sorrowful) to wash away some of that mud. Once we have experienced what it feels like to have that wash of acceptance of grief & sorrow, and have felt it cleanse the mud from our bodies and reveal our true, untainted and original nature of grace & humor, we’ve got an embodied “felt” experience to connect with. If we are a part of the whole system, and we know this works for us with laughter, that we can wash ourselves of muck that did not belong to us so that we have a less burdened time trying to make our way through this thing called life, then that means this might work for others too right? We might at some point become so excited by and accustomed to washing ourselves and our own unit, that we can become “so clean” that we can’t even imagine why other folks along our path choose to try to get through this thing all caked in mud and soot. It can get frustrating, always having to step over, and around and slip in other’s muck that they chose not to deal with. Landing us right back in this place of disdain, or disbelief that someone would just leave their obvious muck all around like that.
What I’m getting at with this metaphor is the kernel of Truth of having to accept others' bullshit because all of our human lives are interdependent to each other. I can hear y’all now, “Yes! I knew it! Deanna is still gonna give me a shortcut to getting around not having to deal with other people’s shit!”
Well the answer friends is… yes, and no, and both/and.
When we don’t deal with the muck...it’s still there right? That’s why America is in the shape it’s in? Because not enough folks have cleaned up enough mess yet